Waking up to Ego

 

Are you a woman in mid-life or above who’s ‘fed up’ with Covid 19?  Or are you still very much in the middle of all the implications this has thrown at you, both as a society and at you as an individual?

Have you been forced to re-examine your priorities?  Even the quality of your relationships?  What about the KEY one, with your partner?  There are many women who’ve needed to tread the thin line between longing for his practical, supportive love, and wanting to ‘nail his butt to the mast’ for refusing to step up!  A female comic once said the tension between these two priorities was a great definition of stress!

Yes – Covid has affected me, along with all those in my age range of ’70 something’, in my capacity to get out there but avoid crowds – thank God for my supportive girlfriends!  And of course in my own case I have also been focusing on completing my book: ‘How to be a Widow: Powerful Transformation through the Cocoon of Grief’ whilst I healed from the out of left field devastating fall I experienced almost 12 months ago in Bali, which necessitated hospitalization in that country and a hip replacement.

And to be honest, not only was I healing physically from this trauma (including learning how to do something as basic as walking again), but also healing emotionally and spiritually, as my confidence got ‘knocked for 6’.  I went to Bali 12 months ago feeling like a ‘bad ass goddess’ – but returned feeling initially like a little old lady with white hair and a cane, who was pretty useless to Society at the time. Those of you who know me will realise this was NOT that energized, feminine, sassy woman who wanted to get her work out globally!

As a result I needed to sit initially in that uncomfortable place where I had no idea why this had happened, or what to do in the future.  Have you ever experienced this?  Sometimes we need to seek in earnest (which was my predicament), but sometimes it can be so painful we just want to ‘distract ourselves and run away’ – bury our head in the sand, decide that we don’t need a decision just yet, etc.  Are you familiar with this?  I sure was!

So I sat in that Rehab hospital in Brighton and reflected, meditated and journalled (a powerful trinity of intentions) – until it occurred to me I could complete the book I had commenced 8 years before on my incredible journey through that ‘cocoon of grief’.  And 2 weeks later it was revealed to me that I could also become a speaker based on the fact that I would be a published author – great I said to myself – that’s one for the books!  But at heart it was my ego picking up that I could still be worth something after all these months of feeling incompetent, foolish, and at rock bottom….

And it stayed that way for several months as I worked my way through this creative writing period, aided by my amazing Book Writing Coach Jennifer Lancaster from Business Author Academy.  However under her tutelage and with increasing zest for the way the book was developing, a change developed in my mindset. It was subtle but profound – because I began realising that this book really could positively impact the lives of even hundreds of widows around the English speaking world in coping with their own profound loss of love and subsequent grief.  There could be light at the end of that dark tunnel, that cocoon that wanted to wrap itself around them where nothing made sense anymore – but transformation was beginning to happen internally, often without them understanding this!  And as my heart became more compassionate and I began to feel the desire to simply serve other women in this situation, ego woke up to the fact that it was not about me but about the lives of all those that this book would touch – and stepped aside.  And I am so grateful that I had this opportunity.

It really was ‘the fall that changed it all’ for me!

What about you?  Is there something unforeseen, seemingly negative and completely out of left field that has happened to you in these past 12 months?  And of course Covid 19 may have contributed to this?  Are you still feeling like a victim that something so devastating has happened to you? How do you cope with these completely unexpected, unforeseen, uninvited and unwelcome events?  I trust that you allow your feelings some kind of sway?  Because you don’t need the patience of a saint my friends!  Emotion is e-motion, energy in motion, which needs to move through you so that you can move on!  If you continue with more of a negative mindset, you are in danger of suppressing these feelings deep into your psyche, and bottled up feelings can contribute to enormous stress in your body, resulting in dis-ease.  So let it out – you don’t need to give yourself a ‘spiritual bypass’ so you don’t feel the anger, ambivalence or anxiety that may come up for you!  But once these are recognized and expressed, you can move on to explore more of the options that life may now be providing for you!

Be very kind to yourself my friends – we are in this together, so trust this process and work in with any ego which may arise to help you to move into the service of your soul agenda!

Beverley Rilatt-Richardson, 6th Oct 2020

 

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The 5 Assumptions that Strong, Independent Women make in relation to Attracting the Masculine 😊

If I asked you to put your hand up if you feel you’re a strong & independent woman – would you shoot that hand right up?  Me too!  And if I asked you to keep it up if you’re proudly strong and independent, would you keep it up?  Yep, me too! 😊

Have you ever wondered however if you might be paying a ‘high price’ price for your independence?  Now what do I mean by that?  Well – put it this way – If a guy offers to open a door for you – or offers to carry something if you seem to be struggling – do you say ‘Wow – thanks?’  Or do you glare at him and ask him if he thinks you look helpless or something?!

­ And aaaaaagh – even worse girls – is if you think you might look NEEDY to him?  Hands up those who hate the thought that someone else might think they’re a needy woman?  Yep – me too!  Even if we are dateless – we don’t want anyone to think we’re dateless and desperate!!  So we wear masks sometimes to hide the fact that we may be lonely – or hurting…

So – back to our topic – 5 ASSUMPTIONS that we as strong independent women make in relation to attracting the masculine:

 

ASSUMPTION 1 is that we don’t want him to ASSUME we are needy, or lonely, or desperate – so instead what do we do? We make ourselves so damned independent that he often can’t see if we’re actually interested in him, or where on earth he would fit into our lives! 

  • Have any of you had this experience? That you wanted to catch his eye – but you were so afraid of him thinking you were some kind of needy woman – you know – high maintenance – that you looked the other way instead? 
  • So the first thing we need to learn from such an experience – is that FEAR can generate SABOTAGE within us! So simply become aware of your thinking processes!  If you encourage him by flirtatious glances, just assume instead that this is all the encouragement he needs to head your way to talk to you – because–that’s the signal he needs to act for both of you!    

The best way not to assume that he’s thinking of you negatively is to appreciate his masculinity – the fact that men are the protectors, the providers, they do the grunt work, they make amazing fathers, they take the initiative – and that includes approaching you for a date!  😊

This is sooooooo important lovelies – because conversely if you make it too easy for a guy (because you may be smitten with him and think you have to give him what he wants to keep him) and he doesn’t need to PURSUE you – then he will often have a hard time MAINTAINING your relationship.  You will end up having to do a lot of the emotional work, the organization etc – and could end up wearing the pants, while he swans around as the weaker man he actually is!

ASSUMPTION 2? Who’s had the experience of wanting to talk things over with a guy as though he’s your girlfriend?  And he keeps interrupting or giving advice – and sending you batty?

Hands up!  Yep – me too!  I hate to break it to you lovelies – but a GUY is simply NOT ‘a girlfriend without boobs’!  Guys are different from us  – they process life differently…. Men THINK with their minds and logic, and ACT on this – they may even be deep thinkers – ponderers of life – but as for us?  We FEEL with our hearts, and our emotions, as well as think with our minds….

And it’s a guy thing – they want to FIND SOLUTIONS – they love to have a problem put to them that they can fix in some way – find a resolution!  Which is fabulous when you think about it….. That’s their gift to us – to fix things/ to find solutions/ to work out ways around etc……

But do we always appreciate this?  NOOOOO!  When we talk with a girlfriend, we both know we’re not looking for a solution – we’re looking for a sounding board to bounce our ideas off, so we come up with a solution ourselves!  But not guys – they speak with another bloke to work out a solution to a problem.  So when we speak with them as a girlfriend sounding board – they do NOT understand this – so end up wanting to find a solution to help us, because they love us.  However we’re usually one step ahead and have already thought of all those things, but have ticked them off our list as not workable!  So that’s why they keep interrupting, and we think they’re not listening!  And they get frustrated because they think we’re not listening to their suggestions!

So NEVER assume your guy – or the one you want to attract – is like a substitute girlfriend – if he aint got boobs – this won’t work!  What will work is that you tell him beforehand you want a sounding board only – that he does NOT need to come up with ANY solution whatsoever – because you’ll work it out as long as you can hear yourself setting out the problem!  That way he can relax and actually LISTEN to you, without worrying that he can’t find something brilliant to help you with!  So if you’re not treating him as a girlfriend – then allow him to shine at being a bloke – being that guy you respect, and allow him to step up into the masculine role in your relationship – to organize date nights for you etc 

And ASSUMPTION 3? Have you ever found that you sensed something was wrong, so he should TALK to you?  Hands up?  Yep, me too – have you often thought – what’s wrong with him?  Or what’s wrong with me – or our relationship?  Because he won’t talk to me!!! And he won’t share his feelings?   Put up both hands if this is something that really FRUSTRATES the hell out of you? 

Well I have some good news and some bad news lovelies…. The bad news is that he probably WONT talk to you that much – not overly much anyway – because men process problems so differently – when we have a problem we want to TALK about it – get something off our chest – get our feelings out into the open. However guys are, well DIFFERENT.  They want to go into their caves – their sheds – or veg out in front of the TV if they don’t have a physical place to go to, or get on their bike and hike around the block – or take the dog for a walk – anything to be on their own so they can think this thing through…. and if you asked them how they felt?  Mmmmmm – hunt a feeling – what am I feeling?!  It’s usually only after they’ve thought something through that they can then talk it over with you…. That’s the bad news – but the good news?  You no longer need to hassle them to talk to you/ or nag them into submission!  So what can you do?  You’ll need to share ahead that you want to talk with them about  – you can even suggest what this is & negotiate a time – but first be aware he needs time himself to process this issue first, before you jump in, boots and all!

So – you’ve given him time/ you’ve set up a time/ and then what?  Do the only thing you can have control of – and that’s yourself and your own authentic feelings and reactions to what’s happening for you.  And be yourself – don’t think you have to ‘spare his feelings’ – don’t allow anything to become the elephant in the room you can’t talk about… even though you might be ‘shit scared’…. because if we are going to be fearful about anything, it’s about driving him away and being on our own.  So many women put up with ‘the devil they know’, rather than be on their own….. So – how is your own sense of worth about what you deserve in life?

 So the good news is – appreciate the differences between the way men and women process life, love and communication – and release a lot of the angst! 

ASSUMPTION 4? Have you ever encountered the situation where you found yourself nagging that he hadn’t done something you reasonably asked him to do – and you were so mad you did it yourself?  Time for confession – hands up!!  Yep, me too! 

So what’s wrong with that – isn’t that a practical solution?  Yep!  But do you think he’s going to do it the next time, if you did it this time?  Nope! Sometimes we simply need to CLARIFY what our roles are – who does what – and then put boundaries around this that they will probably test to see if you mean this!  And stick to your guns.  Because otherwise we can let them get away with stuff and they become lazy and then we disrespect them – is that what you want?  Or we allow them to act like kids and start treating them like that – not the masculine partner we really want to step up into our lives!  Don’t put up with crap girls!  You may have to call his bluff – but encourage him to step up into the masculine role in your relationship.  You need his loving attention – you need to know that whatever his job or profession – and no matter how much he loves it or is passionate about this – that you are still the number 1 person in his life that he loves, cherishes and cares for!  

And men crave our respect and appreciation – which of course we can give if he’s giving us that loving attention, including his time!  So it’s not actually the jobs themselves, as important as they are in a practical sense – it’s what they represent – which is him stepping up as the man in your relationship….

So how can you encourage more of this behavior in him?  By having clear boundaries and not doing his job for him!  And by moving more into your being role, not your doing – in terms of your relationship! Men do the doing/ women do the being… Men do things/ they fix things/ they initiate things/ they complete things/ they love things – their toys etc!  We women by contrast (when we don’t need to use our masculine energies to run our businesses etc),  love the being stuff – being love/ being beautiful/ being caring/ being a mum/ being girly/ being flirtatious/ being sexy…. The more you can move into your feminine heart and body – the more you’ll encourage him to step up into being that man you want to love and cherish you!

And ASSUMPTION 5?  That all men are only after one thing – and so we women tend to want to move them quickly into being friends…..

So – hands up – be truthful – if you think that all men are only after one thing – sex?  Yep – they possibly are!  However you can use that wonderful feminine intuition we all have – which may have been dimmed or we’ve not been aware of for a while – but you can tune into this – to sense and pick up the signals if a man is actually literally only after sex – i.e. your body and what it can do for him, to help his ego, or make him feel like a man again if he hasn’t been able to get it up for a while – or keep it up!   Regrettably there are such men around – younger ones who’ve been spoiled in life and think they are god’s gift to women – or older ones who are not well or have lived a life that has been so disrespectful to their own bodies that karma is setting in and they can’t get or maintain an erection… and that makes them feel less than a man – so they are desperate for their self image and ego to  have sex again – almost any woman would do.  If you only want what a colleague of mine calls ‘recreational sex’ – then you won’t care because you’ll be using his body in the same way.  However if you want to attract a quality partner and a loving relationship, you’ll need that intuition to weed out those who are unsuitable or may just break your heart – because it may be sexual attraction only that you feel!  There’s nothing wrong with that!  I fell in love myself last year – and it’s an incredible high!  However to maintain a relationship longer term you need mutual respect, love, tenderness, and you need sexual polarity;  Huh?  Sexual what? Is that a new position? LOL 😊

OK – hands up again – who’s heard of sexual polarity?  I’m curious!   It’s the difference between men and women – it’s the sexual spark that lights up the ‘rom com’ movies we love to watch! It’s all about Opposites Attract – as in positive and receptive poles (like electro-magnetic energy) – that’s polarity!  A man in his masculine essence and presence – and proudly aware of this – and comfortable and confident in himself and in his own sexuality – that’s the positive, directive, action seeking pole – seeking a woman – who’s attracting him via her receptive pole in her feminine essence and energy and sensuality – and the sexual sparks fly!  They are so attracted / drawn to each other.  And girls if you weren’t already aware of this – feminine essence, sensuality and energy is magnetic to the men – they crave the feminine and sensual in women…. there’s something about the wave she moves – not thinks or talks or acts…..  And when a woman is in her feminine she feels so much more at home…. and is able to move into such delicious activities as slow, rhythmic, sensual dance….So the assumption we make is that because men are only after one thing, then we shouldn’t be easy targets – so we should encourage them to be friends…. and there’s nothing greater than a guy who’s a good friend – but if he’s just a good friend – you will find it difficult to become lovers…. because if you move into the friend or room mate zone – it becomes increasingly difficult to think or act as lovers – because by now you realise that if you do so then you might also have a lovers tiff and break up – and you’ll lose a good friend – is it worth the risk?  So in many cases you need act on your intuition to weed out the wanna-be’s – and encourage the decent men to step up into your life – and into your heart, your home, your bedroom, your body… Life’s a risk and if we’ve closed down our hearts because we got hurt before – we can close down a lot of joy in our lives….

Time for Self-Reflection:

Assumption 1:  Assuming if you give him encouragement he’ll think you are ‘needy’/ or dateless & desperate         

Assumption 2: A guy is not a ‘girlfriend without boobs’ – let him know he doesn’t need to find a solution when you chew the cud!                 

Assumption 3: Appreciate he will process Life & communication differently – give him time to consider something first before discussion    

Assumption 4: That he doesn’t need to be accountable for something he promised – because you’ll step into the breach instead – but then need to continue!            

Assumption 5: Men are all after only one thing! Appreciate his need but set your boundaries in place – and encourage passionate polarity between you!                      

And It’s all about appreciating his masculinity….. so what CAN we do instead of assuming? 

We can be our authentic, feminine selves – and they will start approaching us and revealing themselves to us so we no longer need to assume!

If you have any comments – please leave below my friends!  Or contact me for a ‘Break Thru’ Clarity Session 😊

Beverley RilattRichardson

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