John Gray is the author of ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’… This is the reason that we love to use another – either a man or a woman – as a sounding board, so that we can work out for ourselves what to do, once we feel understood. 

The challenge for both men and women is that he often does not realise this – because men are programmed to find solutions to problems! Otherwise – from his point of view – why would you want him to listen to your problem in the first place if you don’t want his advice?  Of course, the fact that you have probably thought of that solution but dismissed it, only makes things worse for both of you!  You wish he would just listen and not interrupt you, and he feels resentment that you don’t want his advice!

So WHY is it so important for a woman to feel understood?  Have you ever asked yourself that question?

I have – and three things came up for me – but you may be very different?  The first is that when I hear myself speaking about the problem it helps me to work out what to do because I can hear myself exploring different options – in order to come to a decision or direction…

And the second reason?  Because then I feel VALIDATED – when I feel that I am understood, then it helps me to realise that it’s OK to feel like this – I am not crazy or weird….

And the third reason is because I feel that someone else understands, or has had a similar experience, which means that I am no longer on my own – someone else understands and empathises…

This is actually the reason why many women seem to always want the ‘last word’… it’s not necessarily a power thing (when you start arguing not about the original problem, but tacitly who has the power in the relationship) – no, my better angels used to kick in and keep me talking about something because I still did NOT at that point, feel HEARD – because I did not FEEL as though he understood…

And that itself was a revelation!  Instead of just ‘harping on’ about something, I know now I can simply say – “sorry sweetheart but I still don’t feel understood at this point, because I don’t think you are really hearing what’s bothering me”… But if we’ve both had enough at that point, we can agree to come back and pick it up again…

Does this MAKE SENSE my wonderful female friends?

But back to the situation where you just want to talk only?  All you need to do is tell him he can relax – you are NOT wanting any advice or solution from him – you just want him to be a sounding board so you can work it out for yourself!

Let’s face it lovelies, we women need to be seen, heard & understood – Right?

Ever felt like this?! 

I don’t know about you, but I know that I need to be heard personally because I want to be understood, and therefore accepted/ validated/ loved.  That includes my opinion and my feelings – whatever these are…

And I need to be heard professionally because my livelihood depends on this!

Which are your favourite ways of being heard?  (Please tick)

• Chat with a girlfriend – over coffee/ on the phone
• Talk to your partner
• Discuss with your family
• Share in a face-to-face group
• Talk to the Universe/ Pray
• Comment on Facebook and open up about a problem
• Write a text, message, or email to someone
• Write a blog
• Write a chapter in a shared book – or write your own book
• Other?

In discussions with my late beloved husband, I used to reflect on what was happening and in my more insightful moments realised that occasionally the issue morphed into who had the power?  Because sometimes it was basically not really about the issue anymore, but who was getting the power, the control?  

Sometimes in frustration, he would tell me: you always need to have the last word, don’t you?  Have any of you had this ‘accusation’ thrown at you?  And yes, I’ll ‘fess up – this was often the case – and he saw this as part of that power play, even if unconsciously…and I’m sure that it probably was!

Since that time, however, I’ve discovered something even more basic for us as women…. and that’s the need to be UNDERSTOOD.  So finally it dawned on me – getting the last word in was because I still did not feel understood, therefore I had to keep ‘cherry picking’ away until I felt I was understood…. Of course, if he walked out of the discussion it was all over red rover until the next time – especially if it hadn’t really been resolved.  And yes, I’ll also ‘fess up that it took me years to realise my behaviour was passive-aggressive because I’d never been role modelled how to deal with conflict and had no idea how to do this – keep the peace at all costs!  But that often meant lingering resentment.  Hence the need to have the last word so I finally felt heard and understood!

I just wished I had known about this when I had the joy of his presence…. I urge you therefore lovely to really consider this aspect of communication – our need as women to be HEARD, so we can be UNDERSTOOD… and see how this is playing out in your own life and communication?

And if on reflection you realise that this seems to apply to you – this business about having the last word – then you can now choose to do something about this and share with the person with whom this happens your frustration, and the insights that might be possible for both of you to open up and have a deeper relationship?

And remember the same can apply to family members – your mum, sister, daughter, bestie?

Yes – please be seen, heard, and understood – but in the healthiest way possible!

You want to be seen and heard with your passion, your business?  You can’t wait to make a difference in this world?

And you definitely need to be really seen and heard by your partner – which regrettably doesn’t always happen? In fact he may keep telling you that you always need to have the last word!  Is that a familiar conversation??  It was for me for many years, until I was ‘captured by the feminine’ as mentioned in my last blog (Everything old is New Again) – and realized why!

And if you’re in midlife, considering looking for love again, you definitely need to be both seen and heard, in order then to be hopefully understood!

So what’s going on?  Why do I sometimes feel ambivalent about being out there?  Yes – even me at times if I’m not feeling well, or that I don’t have my act together that day?!  Many women can not only relate to this, but also feel in two minds about having other people’s attention on them!   And yet they still KNOW that they need to be out there…..

For many women this is so familiar – ambivalence about having the attention on them… I do – but then again sometimes I don’t want this!

So how do we deal with this?  Push ahead – feel the fear and do it anyway?  YES, if that works for you, at least initially?  But will you come to dread those times you need to push?  Only you can answer that one… Can we compromise?  Yes of course – but we may then be seen as being inconsistent – mmmm… what to do?

Would becoming aware of these feelings help?  Yes, undoubtedly, because becoming conscious of something is half the battle to dealing with it!  So next time you find yourself procrastinating about doing something – speaking to someone/ doing a FB live/ putting out a post inviting others to respond to a particular topic/ going out to a mixed event with a girlfriend or (put in your particular topic you procrastinate about), simply ask yourself if it’s this ambivalence rearing its ugly head?  Or do you at heart not feel you know enough about this topic?  That was one of mine!  But then again, even though we may tell ourselves this, then psychologically it might not actually be the real reason – which unconsciously could simply be that we do NOT want the attention on ourselves!  If this is not even recognized as such, then our minds will come up with some other excuse.  Of course it might be both! Because if I really don’t feel I know enough, and I’m trying to ‘fake it till I make it’, that’s even one more reason I don’t need the attention on me! It’s really a bit of a sledge-hammer….

OK – you recognize this is what may be happening for you?  So what can you do about this?  What do you normally do?  Are there strategies you already use to help you to make it through?  For those who may be following this and recognizing this ambivalence, there is somewhere you can start, very simply.  But remember it’s only a start, a beginning, with a longer journey ahead…. However I’ll be blogging about this, and other related topics each week, so strap yourself in and enjoy the ride!  😊

• The first step is to recognize if you have this ambivalence? If you’ve ticked this then congrats, at least you are now aware which is a great start!
• Secondly, part of addressing this ambivalence is to feel more confident – make sense? And one of the easiest ways is to simply get grounded.  Once you feel grounded, it simply feels easier to tackle things.  Your head is not looping around with all these negative thoughts of insecurity or ‘not enoughness’, or ‘but what if x or y’ happened?
• Thirdly this helps us to realise another gigantic insight – just because something happened in the past, it does NOT need to happen in the future – it is NOT a self-fulfilling prophecy! It is only as we remember the facts of what happened in the past, plus the feelings and emotions related to these facts, that we can then so easily project these into the future – oh I know what’s going to happen if I try to do that – looked what happened before!  If we can reject that concept as being simply a way to sabotage ourselves, then we can stand up to any of these thoughts and feelings arising, especially if they seem to do so automatically…
• And fourthly, we can reimagine the future! If we reject that something is going to happen automatically, then we open ourselves to reimagining how it could be in the future, if we could have any outcome we wanted?
• OK – convinced? Then let’s get grounded!
• Stand with your feet shoulder width apart, knees NOT locked. Feel the weight in your legs and feet – OK.  Simply become aware of this.
• Place your thumbs over your belly button, and hands together on your body, which will automatically form a heart over your ‘power centre’ – which for a woman is her uterus.
• Then place your attention on that space within your body, and towards the back, and simply rest your attention there.
• Then become conscious again of your legs and feet – do they feel heavy and connected to the floor or if you are outdoors, to the ground? Fabulous!
• You are now grounded. Keep your attention there in your ‘power centre’ towards the back of you body for as long as you can…. And then consider the challenge you have to get out there, or whatever action you have had ambivalence about in the past?  You will be amazed at how having the attention on you no longer feels such a burden!

May you enjoy being grounded, which you can do as often as you find this helpful?

In this new year of 2022, everything still seems somewhat new, right? We’re not even into February yet!

So what has my work as the Feminine Guru got to do with the ongoing newness of this new year, which is still yet to unfold?

I pondered this my friends, as I thought about what to write? Are there new trends for example in my industry?  New ways of being ‘feminine’?  In answer I can only say I’m sure there are – as we are all individuals with our own personal ways of expressing ourselves!  As an example I may consider certain colours as being more feminine – but they may do absolutely NOTHING for you!

OK – is there a way therefore of going deeper than this?  Let’s put the play button on pause for a moment and ask: what is the feminine about anyway?  Good place to start?  I used to think it meant wearing pink and being able to wear dangly earrings! LOL That’s if I ever thought about it at all, quite frankly.  The way I expressed myself even 12 years ago was ‘oh yes, and apart from my skills and interests, I happen to be a woman’, as though this were an afterthought!  In fact I can joke now that I honestly thought ‘Feminine Essence’ was a new brand of perfume I hadn’t heard of yet!

So what insights have I discovered that have had a profound impact not only on me but on many other women?  Quite literally that everything old is new again, when we discover for ourselves that this feminine connection is very real in the now! In other words, these may be concepts that were known by women thousands of years ago (which in times past were sometimes referred to as feminine wiles) – or more derogatory comments like ‘she devil’.  Witness what happened to women who like many of us today loved herbs and found their healing properties?  Women like us were burned at the stake in certain cultures through sheer ignorance!

Thank God we’ve become more enlightened and moved on from this!  In fact in many ways discovery of our inner feminine leads to enlightenment, literally.  A sense of worth as a woman who is connected to her heart and spirit/ to Mother Earth/ to the sensuality of her body/ and the enlightenment of her mind!  A far cry from pink and dangly earrings!

OK what does this mean for us now, in Jan 2022?  Last year I rediscovered the power of the embodiment practices I learned to teach way back in 2011, after being ‘captivated’ myself by the feminine and sensual woman within me who had been suppressed for 50 years– who came out in no uncertain terms at a Heart Intelligence Experiential Retreat in the UK when I felt compelled by some unknown force within me to dance sensually in front of a group of men at the retreat, with the women giving me moral support!  Yes, I was shocked too, but it also felt so right at the time – and this widow discovered she could still become that feminine, sensual even erotic woman at age 67 – that she hadn’t missed out and it was never too late!

OK – back to last year when a group of the women from my Divine Feminine Empowerment Circle took up my offer to teach them how to reconnect to the feminine woman within them, and just why?  And without exception each of them had breakthroughs in one way or the other about how they saw themselves, what they were capable of, how they could even tap more deeply into their emotional core…. and gave me a renewed respect for the power of this work.

As a result this year I am in the process of developing an online course which will sit on my website and will enable women in midlife, if they feel called, to learn how to become more Confident, Feminine and Sexier, to feel more self esteem and self respect, and develop more delicious relationships!  It truly can be said ‘as within, so without’… in other words, if a woman starts feeling more of that inner feminine and sensual self in her heart and body, she will start to show this in her outer life and world….

In addition, I want to conduct a course about reconnecting with our inner feminine hearts and bodies that this time will be online, over a 6 week period. I recognize that this is such a short time for such a profound outcome, however it will be a great start!  And for those who want to continue in a more personal way, I will be once again undertaking feminine mentoring sessions over zoom…

When it comes to the Feminine – our feminine as well as our masculine energies – everything old (since the beginning of time) becomes new again when we reconnect with that beautiful woman within.

The Feminine is Timeless…

Praise for the Feminine!

We’re probably all familiar with the 5 Love Languages?  Do you know yours?  Do you love doing little things for others (esp as a mum)?  Or giving your loved ones little surprises?  One of the delights of life, is it not?

Do you live with a partner or friends who’s love language is giving gifts? What about acts of service?  Many men fall into this category!  But for them to feel like the gift or service has been accepted with grace – you have to accept or receive this!

Today is World Compliment Day!  So look out for those compliments, lovelies!  Is that laughter ‘I hear?! 😊  Yes – I really do understand because many women find the idea of others giving them compliments almost distasteful – but why?  Is it something to do with our fear of being consider ‘up ourselves’, or being a ‘tall poppy’?  Do we feel it’s feeding our ego?  That begs the question – did your parents praise you?  My mum did a great deal – for which I’m forever grateful but dad?  His highest form of praise was ‘there’s nothin’ wrong with that’!  However I can also remember being told not to be a ‘showoff’ if mum found me preening myself in the mirror, even as a child!

You see, many women feel ambivalent about being in the spotlight – we crave attention deep down, but when it’s given and we feel eyes upon us, we can get embarrassed or uncomfortable about that attention!  Yes, we are complex at times, my friends! But back to compliments – do you deflect this because you feel it’s not deserved?  Oh this top? OMG I just got it at the op shop darling!  Or do you find yourself madly trying to think of something you can say back to that person to compliment them in some way for what they’ve given you in exchange – and find yourself floundering?

Here’s a quick tip!  Next time someone says something nice to you about your work, your appearance etc – simply smile, put your hand on your heart and say ‘thanks – that’s a nice thing to say – or that makes me feel special’! That works a treat for me every time, but naturally you may have to put your own take on this – but basically it’s to simply thank someone for the ‘gift’ they’ve given so they feel it has been received…..

And this brings up a vitally IMPORTANT thing I learned around 40 years ago – it’s a kind of truism, but in actual fact is VERY REAL – YOU HAVE WHAT YOU ACCEPT!  A friend could be offering you something – from a compliment to a gift to a great offer – but it is NOT yours until you accept it!  You actually have to receive this into your hands, your heart, your life and make it yours, or it just stays with that person.

So what’s this got to do with the first day of the month?  As this is about World Compliment Day I thought it would be fun to focus on ACCEPTANCE and GRATITUDE for what we can truly accept into our lives! So is there something you feel you’d like to accept this month?  Something coming up for you that you hope will ‘land’?  Or are you simply deciding to stay open to what Life may offer you this month?  I find myself in both camps – I am thanking the Universe for a project coming successfully to completion before it actually happens/ and I want to remain open for other unexpected ‘delights’ coming my way this month!

And to encourage us all lovelies – remember, the nature of feminine energy is to be magnetic! Yes, we still have to plan and put things into action – but then we can step into our feminine, once the work is completed, and release it – let it go, so the universe can do its magic and start attracting this into our lives!