Ever felt like this?!
I don’t know about you, but I know that I need to be heard personally because I want to be understood, and therefore accepted/ validated/ loved. That includes my opinion and my feelings – whatever these are…
And I need to be heard professionally because my livelihood depends on this!
Which are your favourite ways of being heard? (Please tick)
- Chat with a girlfriend – over coffee/ on the phone
- Talk to your partner
- Discuss with your family
- Share in a face-to-face group
- Talk to the Universe/ Pray
- Comment on Facebook and open up about a problem
- Write a text, message, or email to someone
- Write a blog
- Write a chapter in a shared book – or write your own book
In discussions with my late beloved husband, I used to reflect on what was happening and in my more insightful moments realised that occasionally the issue morphed into who had the power? Because sometimes it was basically not really about the issue anymore, but who was getting the power, the control?
Sometimes in frustration, he would tell me: you always need to have the last word, don’t you? Have any of you had this ‘accusation’ thrown at you? And yes, I’ll ‘fess up – this was often the case – and he saw this as part of that power play, even if unconsciously…and I’m sure that it probably was!
Since that time, however, I’ve discovered something even more basic for us as women…. and that’s the need to be UNDERSTOOD. So finally it dawned on me – getting the last word in was because I still did not feel understood, therefore I had to keep ‘cherry picking’ away until I felt I was understood…. Of course, if he walked out of the discussion it was all over red rover until the next time – especially if it hadn’t really been resolved. And yes, I’ll also ‘fess up that it took me years to realise my behaviour was passive-aggressive because I’d never been role modelled how to deal with conflict and had no idea how to do this – keep the peace at all costs! But that often meant lingering resentment. Hence the need to have the last word so I finally felt heard and understood!
I just wished I had known about this when I had the joy of his presence…. I urge you therefore lovely to really consider this aspect of communication – our need as women to be HEARD, so we can be UNDERSTOOD… and see how this is playing out in your own life and communication?
And if on reflection you realise that this seems to apply to you – this business about having the last word – then you can now choose to do something about this and share with the person with whom this happens your frustration, and the insights that might be possible for both of you to open up and have a deeper relationship?
And remember the same can apply to family members – your mum, sister, daughter, bestie?
Yes – please be seen, heard, and understood – but in the healthiest way possible!