John Gray is the author of ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’… This is the reason that we love to use another – either a man or a woman – as a sounding board, so that we can work out for ourselves what to do, once we feel understood. 

The challenge for both men and women is that he often does not realise this – because men are programmed to find solutions to problems! Otherwise – from his point of view – why would you want him to listen to your problem in the first place if you don’t want his advice?  Of course, the fact that you have probably thought of that solution but dismissed it, only makes things worse for both of you!  You wish he would just listen and not interrupt you, and he feels resentment that you don’t want his advice!

So WHY is it so important for a woman to feel understood?  Have you ever asked yourself that question?

I have – and three things came up for me – but you may be very different?  The first is that when I hear myself speaking about the problem it helps me to work out what to do because I can hear myself exploring different options – in order to come to a decision or direction…

And the second reason?  Because then I feel VALIDATED – when I feel that I am understood, then it helps me to realise that it’s OK to feel like this – I am not crazy or weird….

And the third reason is because I feel that someone else understands, or has had a similar experience, which means that I am no longer on my own – someone else understands and empathises…

This is actually the reason why many women seem to always want the ‘last word’… it’s not necessarily a power thing (when you start arguing not about the original problem, but tacitly who has the power in the relationship) – no, my better angels used to kick in and keep me talking about something because I still did NOT at that point, feel HEARD – because I did not FEEL as though he understood…

And that itself was a revelation!  Instead of just ‘harping on’ about something, I know now I can simply say – “sorry sweetheart but I still don’t feel understood at this point, because I don’t think you are really hearing what’s bothering me”… But if we’ve both had enough at that point, we can agree to come back and pick it up again…

Does this MAKE SENSE my wonderful female friends?

But back to the situation where you just want to talk only?  All you need to do is tell him he can relax – you are NOT wanting any advice or solution from him – you just want him to be a sounding board so you can work it out for yourself!

Let’s face it lovelies, we women need to be seen, heard & understood – Right?